So Called Friends & Infertility

Monday, August 19, 2013

I've been wanting to write this post for a long time, but I've been about trying to find the right words.
As you all know we have struggled for 6 years to have a family of our own and although it has been hard, a real struggle, sometimes pushing you to the brink of insanity we have got through the darkest of days together and faced things head on and it has only made us stronger for it.
But today's post isn't about how we have coped as a couple its how being infertile can affect friendships.
I say affect friendships, I am not talking about my friends now, no way hosay, I couldn't ask for a better set of friends who are the most caring and compassionate, who know that I have good days and bad days yet the ones with children are not afraid to thrust a baby in my face and say 'look after him/her' or willingly let us babysit knowing we won't crumble into a million pieces cause we can't bear to be around children. In fact it is quite the opposite, I love being around children, just because we haven't had any of our own yet doesn't mean we don't know what to do.
If they need a story Auntie Em is on hand, if they want to jump up and down and be silly Uncle Chris is on hand. If they have fallen over and grazed their knee Auntie Em is on hand with the magic cream and a plaster to make it all better.... you get the gist yes?....
So, what happens when you experience negative friendships?....
Well I have first hand experience of this, I once was friends with a girl, we will call her Miss X, and although we weren't bessie mates as such, we used to spend a lot of time together due to our men being friends. They got married a year after us and low and behold 4 months later she was preggers.... OK I admit I felt a pang of jealousy at the time, I'm only human after all, but I sucked it up and was nothing but supportive and an ear for her. 
She knew the difficulty we were having conceiving and the rigorous tests that we were going through, but I'm saddened to say this seemed irrelevant to her, she was in her own baby world and yes, OK quite rightly so, but then came the moaning......
Two months in she began to get morning sickness and I would get constant updates on how shit she felt by text.... next came the grumbling about becoming fat and the endless 'Look how FAT I'm getting' ... 'I don't fit in ANY of my clothes'...... 'I hate being pregnant'...... "Don't ever get Pregnant Em, its the worst thing ever" ......Seriously??? .....Are you really saying these things to me? Saying all this stuff to someone who longs every day to see that 'Pregnant' symbol come up on a clear blue, the person that wishes every month NOT to get a period..... the person that would chop her right arm off to be in your position??....
And the best one.....I bumped into her in town when we had just come back from the fertility clinic and that was the day we were told I had mosaic turner syndrome, she knew I had the clinic that day, but instead of asking how it went she bumbled over to me to show me her growing belly and frowning like hell telling me how she was 'so fat' (again) and that she was now in a size 16 (oh my goodness, yes you are positively massive...*sighs*..... *rolls eyes*)  she never asked how I was or how the appointment went, she then reached an arm out to feel my dress...'Oh I like your dress, maybe I should get some of those floaty dresses like you wear to cover my bump... do you have any I can borrow?'
I mean seriously have moaned like crazy about morning sickness, complained you are fat, told me NEVER to get pregnant cause its "the worst thing ever" and now, now you want to BORROW MY CLOTHES even though you have just said you are SOOO FAT??? 
What the hell is wrong with you!!???
I don't think I've ever held Chris' hand so tight that day, and in one breath I wanted to run out the store and in another I just wanted to lash out at her... of course I didn't, I just politely made small talk even though the sting of impeding tears were in my eyes.
She proceeded to have the baby months later and it was gorgeous, but I just found that every time we went round there she wouldn't let the baby go, every time I held the baby she was watching me like a hawk... I felt like saying 'Its OK luv, just cause I can't have kids yet, doesn't mean I'm going to run off with yours'
Needless to say I started to distance myself more and more until we didn't speak, I got the whole guilt trip, and then she even stopped the boys talking to each other cause I obviously didn't want to be around them and how she couldn't understand why I didn't want to be around HER child when I am happy to be around other people's children.... even then she still didn't get it, that it wasn't her child I had an issue with, it was HER I didn't want to be around.
Now this post isn't about bashing that particular person, maybe she didn't know how to be around me, maybe she didn't realise she was acting this way, I don't know all I know is that being a good friend I think you have to be 'compassionate' I mean its one thing to be perfectly  normal around me and then there is being truly insensitive.
Like I said I don't want this to be a verbal bashing, its more a learning curve for me of how to remove yourself from negative people and surround yourself with positive ones.
She contacted me last year to try and make amends as such, and I didn't reply for like 3 days cause I was on holiday and I got a message back saying  'Well I hope you find happiness one day'...... how dare she assume I'm not happy?.... I actually thought 'you patronising little so and so' but this only made me more adamant I wasn't going back there and I have no intentions on doing so.
Negative people suck the life out of you. Lesson Learnt.... I am HAPPY....
Without you in my life.

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  1. Huge hugs to you.

    I am lucky after a long struggle I got my baby, but he was born at 27 weeks and we can't have anymore.

    I have had so much experience with folk who cannot handle my complex grief and emotions.

    You really do have to be ruthless with "friends" and be prepared to walk away from those who don't support you.

  2. That's what I call a toxic friendship. You give everything and only get negativity back. You did the right thing cutting her out of your life, I have done the same recently with a very old friend of mine. Hugs to you lovely lady! xx

  3. Oh my goodness.. I literally could have written this myself but instead of it being about a friend, it would have been about my sister. Me and my other half have been trying for a baby for nearly 2 years now and my sister was exactly how your friend was.. She fell pregnant and I was so happy for her and love my niece to bits but it's the little comments and the fact she's totally insensitive about how she makes me feel when she's constantly moaning so I know how you feel.
    It's like you said, we love kids and many of my friends have kids and they're adorable it's just HER and the crap that comes out of her mouth. Constant moaning about her beautiful daughter, the fact that she sends her to play school 4 days a week to (as she put it and I quote) "get away from her" She seems to moan and palm her off more than she says/does nice things and I'm thinking.. What an ungrateful moron.
    I tried to talk to her about this and how I felt and was told I'm just jealous etc. and because I tried to explain my feelings in the hope it might stop, my parents and sister no longer speak to me. BUT I've felt so much happier for having all the negativity out of my life! If people are willing to let me feel like that then try and blame it on me then I'm better off away from them and so are you :)
    Thank you for writing this post, it's nice to feel like I'm not alone and that it's not me, it is her and her mouth!! I hope one day we both get to become mums, I'm keeping my fingers crossed for us both :) xxx

  4. Oh dear Lord. You deserve a medal for not knocking her on her arse after that last interaction! You are so, so SO better off without her. I had a friend who was as thoughtless as that. She depressed the hell out of me and specialised in cruel, cutting put-downs.

    Massive hugs to you. x x x

  5. Such a great post. It sounds like you are better off without knowing her anymore. I (had) a few friends like that, everything was about them, it used to wear me down and now I don't see them anymore and feel better for it! I hope that one day you will become a mother xx

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